


Dying like a Shooting Star

by plantboycharms



Series: Electra Heart [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Hurt/Comfort, I dont want to miss any trigger warnings sorry, I hate hurting them I'm so sorry, M/M, Medical, Overdose, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Valley of the Dolls, trigger warning, what else should I tag this? send me anything else I'm missing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantboycharms/pseuds/plantboycharms
Summary: Asahi was a disappointment and he knew it now. 
Before, it had been nothing but a vague fear, in the back of his mind, that cruel, snide voice in his ear; whatever you called it, it was there. His father yelled at him to stop acting so anxious. His mother assured him that his father “really did” love him, he just “didn’t know how to show it.” They “supported” him and “loved” him, but he was a disappointment. 
And he knew it now.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Pick a personality for free  
> (Born with a heart, broken from the start, and now I die slow)

Asahi was a disappointment and he knew it now. 

Before, it had been nothing but a vague fear, in the back of his mind, that cruel, snide voice in his ear; whatever you called it, it was there. His father yelled at him to stop acting so anxious. His mother assured him that his father “really did” love him, he just “didn’t know how to show it.” They “supported” him and “loved” him, but he was a disappointment. 

And he knew it now. 

There were too many Asahis at school. He never knew which one to be. The studious, hardworking Asahi? The fun, strong, volleyball Asahi? The gentle, anxious Asahi? He couldn’t even tell which Asahi was him anymore. Who was the real Asahi? Hard to tell. Maybe impossible.   
So he hid away anxious Asahi and only brought out volleyball Asahi when he was with the team, opting to stick with studious Asahi during school and at home. That was, perhaps, he would be less of a disappointment. Who wanted a soft-spoken, quiet, anxiety-ridden son? Not his dad.   
But his grades were slipping and his volleyball friends were starting to see something was off and he couldn’t keep this up any longer, he just couldn’t, and Noya was there for him but was that really a good thing? Noya, swooning over Shimizu, leaving Asahi in the dust whenever she came around, breaking his heart a little bit more every time… Noya couldn’t really be there for him, could he?

And then he had snapped, at his own team, his own support system, the only place he could feel a little bit more free, and it was over. 

He was a disappointment. 

And he couldn’t let himself continue to be.

Asahi was a smart boy. Studious Asahi took careful, detailed notes in biology class, and knew very well how this would work.   
His parents, unsuspecting, left things all over the place. Among those, the box of replacement boxcutter blades was just… in a drawer. They never noticed when one had disappeared, months ago, and it was safely tucked away in a sock in the back of Asahi’s sock drawer. That would come in handy.   
His parents wouldn’t come home for another few hours.   
There was no need to lock the door. Nobody would come. The team would be in practice, without him. Of course.   
And so Asahi closed the door of the bathroom and turned to the tub, blade in one hand, bottle of Tylenol in the other. (Thank goodness his mother had just bought more, he thought. Unfortunate that he should waste them. What a bother. She would have to go buy more. Hopefully that was the last way he inconvenienced her.)  
No point in making a mess, really. He didn’t want anyone to have to clean up after him. So, after filling up a glass of water, he stepped carefully into his bathtub, sitting up. He was too long-legged to lay down, but it didn’t really matter. His comfort didn’t really matter.   
And then he started to shake the pills into his hands. He figured he could take a few at a time, to save himself some time. Five was too many, he found out, choking and gagging as the acrid, poison taste of the pills spread across his tongue. Three would do. And so he went, three at a time, small gulps of water to wash them down.   
Until he hit a nice 100. That would do. His hands were shaking. He was dizzy. And it seemed like, already, his heart was beating out of his chest. He still felt completely serene. Nothing would hurt. 

And the blade, almost forgotten on the side of the tub, traced stripes across his arms. Just a few. He didn’t want to make too much of a mess. That would inconvenience his mother. He didn’t want that. 

Now he was feeling very dizzy. He looked at the clock. Practice would be well under way. He hoped that the team didn’t talk about him. He didn’t want that. He wanted them to go along as they always did, no harm, no foul. No fuss.   
It was fuzzy. Everything was fuzzy. Suddenly, he was feeling shooting pains. What kind of painkiller causes pain, he thought groggily. Too late now.   
And he was drifting.  
He had been broken since day one, he thought. Gay, anxious, too big and strong to be this small and nervous. A failure all around. But now it would be over. This ace, this star player, fizzling out.   
What could he do now, really? There was nothing. Noya would move on. Maybe someday he would manage a date with Shimizu. He would marry a nice girl, have a few kids. Maybe he would be a famous libero. His future was clear. And Asahi wouldn’t be in it, holding him back, dragging him down.

Something was dragging him. But not down. Up. Something was dragging him up. Up out of the nice soft cradle of fog he was sinking into. 

“Asahi! Asahi! Shit, fuck, please, Asahi. Please. Come on, open your eyes. Fuck. Please.”  
Noya’s voice. What was he doing here? This was all wrong. Go, Asahi wanted to shout. Go away. Let me sink in peace.   
“Asahi please oh my god Asahi fuck please come on now open your eyes please please holy shit please Asahi please.”   
A stream of words. Every word brought him up higher, closer to the surface again. He was too warm. He felt like his skin was dry, and his heart was fluttering. Randomly. Oh no, no. This was all wrong.

He heard the sound of something being dropped. “Shit, fuck,” in Noya’s voice again. Asahi hoped that it was a hallucination.   
“Please, I need help, I think my friend is going to die, oh my god, what do I do?” Noya’s voice said. What a bad hallucination, Asahi thought. At least if he had to hallucinate Noya, he should be talking to him. Professing love, or yelling at him, or something.   
“There’s Tylenol on the floor, and blood everywhere, I need help please just send help” Noya said, voice breaking. His voice sounded more faint now. “No, I don’t know the address, can you… okay. Yes. I can stay on the line. Yes. It’s on speaker now.”   
And there were hands on Asahi’s face now. Had they been there before? Maybe. It hurt, he realized suddenly. Everything hurt. His heart was beating too fast, too hard, wildly. His head was spinning. He needed help, he realized. He was going to die!   
Noya’s voice was still going. This time, it was louder, and it seemed like it was directed at him. Finally.   
“Asahi, please, please come on buddy, open your eyes, I need you to open your eyes. I need you to open your eyes, Asahi, I need you…” Noya’s voice broke, and with it, Asahi’s heart did too. He needed to open his eyes, but they didn’t want to open. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep.   
“Asahi I… I’m so sorry… I couldn’t help you… God, Asahi, if you die, I don’t know what I’ll do… Please, Asahi, I need you…” Noya was crying. Asahi dragged at his eyelids, and they opened a little. The room was spinning, but Noya was there, close to his face, hands on his cheeks. There were tears running down his face. His chest shook. Asahi realized he was sobbing. 

He tried to speak, to tell him it would be okay, that he would die and let Noya free, but he couldn’t do it. His lungs felt like they were going to close. He couldn’t seem to find the air.   
Noya opened his eyes again and saw that Asahi’s own eyes were open. If Asahi were any farther away, he wouldn’t have been able to see the range of emotions that ran across Noya’s face. As it was, he became aware that Noya’s knees were placed on either side of his legs, and he was somewhat crouched over him. There was blood on his knees, and his shoes, from where they were sitting in the bathtub. Asahi realized it was his blood. 

He dragged air into his lungs, even though they felt like they were going to close at any moment, and mumbled out an “I’m sorry” to Noya. He felt like he deserved that much. Sorry for burdening you. Sorry for holding you down. Sorry for making you come here. Sorry for wasting your time. Sorry for the blood on your shoes.   
“Asahi Asahi Asahi no don’t apologize no please just stay awake just stay with me buddy they’re coming they’re on their way” Noya babbled, then turned his head to shout towards the floor “his eyes are open now and he spoke please hurry” before turning back to Asahi and pressing his forehead to Asahi’s.   
“Please just stay with me please don’t go please Asahi please” he mumbled, sobs still shaking his body. “I can’t do this without you please just stay.”   
Asahi didn’t have the strength to say anything else. There was the fog again, coming back around his vision and making him so sleepy. His eyes started to shut again.   
“No no no no Asahi no please no don’t go no no Asahi please” Noya was shaking him now. “No no no. He’s closing his eyes again!”   
Asahi was too tired, too too tired to stay awake.   
***  
When he woke up, he was in lots of pain. His stomach hurt, his throat hurt, his arms hurt… This was no good at all.   
There were hands clutching one of his own. He fought with his eyelids again. When they opened, he was greeted with the sight of a very plain ceiling. Nothing like his bathroom ceiling. His gaze slid around the room, first to the curtain around him, then to the IV pole next to him, then finally down to the hands holding his. Noya was there, small hands grasped around Asahi’s strong one, his head rested on his arms on the bed next to them. Asahi twitched a little, and Noya’s head jerked up, staring at him.   
“Asahi, you’re awake, oh thank god, I thought you were… I…” Noya broke off, tears starting again. “You were so far” he choked out.   
Suddenly Asahi noticed the nurse, sitting behind Noya in the corner of the room. She stood up, taking a few steps forward. “Nishinoya-san, if you could step back for a moment?” she asked, politely.   
“I… Do I have to?” Noya turned to her, still clutching Asahi’s fingers.   
“Just for a moment, Nishinoya-san.” she responded, bustling around to take Asahi’s vitals. Noya never took his eyes off of Asahi, and Asahi never broke the eye contact. As heavy as his eyelids were, he didn’t want to lose sight of Noya. He didn’t care how obvious it was. Not anymore. 

When the nurse finished taking Asahi’s vitals, Noya returned to his side, clasping his hand again. If Asahi could move, he would have put his other hand on top of Noya’s. But he couldn’t, so he didn’t. Noya seemed to understand the intention, though.   
***  
When he was let out of the hospital a week later, he wasn’t allowed to go back to school. Not yet, at least. There were therapists to see and group meetings to attend and medication to take. And his arms healed, slowly, but the scars were deep and red and angry and wouldn’t fade for a long time. 

Noya visited him every day. When he was released from the hospital, (free from the one-to-one nurse care, twenty four hour surveillance, no shoelaces allowed psych ward,) Noya was there with his parents, ready to help him to the car. (Asahi outweighed everyone in his family, but at this point he was well enough to not really need help. He let Noya lead him with a hand on his waist anyways.)  
Every day, homework in hand, Noya would sit next to Asahi on his bed, chattering away about school and practice, homework and going for a run later, and Asahi would try not to notice how close they were and how Noya’s eyes never left Asahi.   
There was no pause, no apprehension, no hesitation, when Noya threw a leg over Asahi’s legs and kissed him, soundly, sure and strong.   
“Last time we sat like this wasn’t a good memory. I wanted to replace it with something better.” Noya said, non-apologetic as always.   
***  
And when he finally walked back to school, for the first time since that day, Noya’s small hand gripped his large one strongly. When his fingers trembled nervously, Noya’s squeezed, and when he looked down at the tiny libero in fear, he was met with such a fiercely loving gaze that he couldn’t help but blush.   
Things got better.   
Asahi thought maybe he wasn’t such a disappointment after all.

**Author's Note:**

> GOD I am so sorry I literally cried writing this if that makes you feel any better about it ha ha   
> (it doesn't make ME feel any better)  
> This one is Valley of the Dolls, and doesn't have any accompanying pieces.   
> I'm so sorry.   
> Leave kudos or a comment if you, too, suffered.   
> (and message me on tumblr it's fragile-euphoria if you need someone to talk to I'm here for y'all pls never feel like this Asahi there is always someone who loves and supports you and if that's me, then it's me and I'm super duper here for you aaah love y'all)  
> Sorry, again.


End file.
